Am I done?

If you ask Hubs, he will say “yes” without hesitation or doubt. Me? Not so sure…but sort of sure at the same time.

I loved being pregnant. Like L.O.V.E.D. it. I loved growing each baby inside me. I loved carrying them with me all the time. Sure, I had some of the typical pregnancy complaints…a little morning sickness, swollen feet, body aches. But I barely remember them…

The day Lovie was born I knew I wanted to do it again. Did you hear me? THE DAY she was born, the day they sliced me open and pulled a living being from my abdomen, I knew. I wanted to do it again so badly I was pregnant again within 8 months.

The day Tootsie was born was a little different, though. I think I was a little relieved to have it over. Not the pregnancy or the c-section, but the anxiety and worry. I felt that way for a few weeks, not sure that I could take the stress of it…will my baby be healthy? Will I die in surgery?

Today, with a 2 year old and a 7 month old, I feel torn. The extreme joy of pregnancy and a new baby with all the worry OR the reassuring contentment of two healthy children without all the worry?

I guess the rational part of me knows I am done, but whenever I see a new baby my heart aches for one more.

I’m done; my husband tells me I am done. He says it’s not just up to me, it’s a decision for us to make together. But as far as I can tell, he’s the one calling the shots.

So, am I done or do I get a new husband…?

Artificial Joint, Take 2

I just finished talking with Hubs' surgeon, the second hip is in place and Hubs is in recovery. The nagging headache that started the minute they wheeled him away from me is hangin' in, but the tightness in my shoulders is lessening. It's still strange to say the words out loud...Hubs had his hip replaced.
We joke about how he reeled me in. When we met he was in the police academy, young and strong. Then a mere 5 years later, he is all busted up with his old man hips and habit of itching his ear with the arm of his glasses.

In 5 years, he has gone from just a guy I'm "hangin' out with" to the father of my children and best friend.

We have a challenging couple of weeks ahead of us (remember the so-cranky-he's-mean husband?), but there is an end is sight. It won't be too long before we are just Momma and Daddy again, rather than the couple dealing with back-to-back hip replacements.
 
Aunt Patty is en route to my house. She will we be loving my babies before I get home and for that I am so grateful.

Resolution

I set a goal of spending only $125 each week on groceries. I was frustrated with the amount of money we were spending on food. I was frustrated that we were always broke. Hubs and I both work and earn a decent wage, but where was all the money?

I decided starting in January I would pay closer attention to our budget and one area I felt we could really improve on was our grocery bill. Each week we would go to the store, buy everything we “needed” and a bunch of what we wanted. Then we’d get a day or two out and have nothing for dinner. $150 shopping, plus who knows how much making additional trips to the store throughout the week to buy what we needed for dinner each night.

I knew we were spending too much. As I got busier with the kids and work, I knew I had to get a handle on feeding my family.

I started planning meals. Since the first of the year I have made a meal plan every week. It has made sticking to the grocery budget possible for us. We’re not perfect, every once in a while we go over a little and once or twice we went over a lot. But this is a process and we’re getting better all the time.

The first few trips to the grocery store were a little awkward. I annoyed my husband by writing down the price of every item that landed in our cart and then embarrassed him by pulling out my calculator in the produce section to add up our purchases.

But you know what? It worked. And now my man acts like my neurotic grocery store behavior could not be more ordinary.

It isn’t a task look forward to, but I feel proud when I stick to my budget and have a plan for dinner each night.

After several months I’ve added a new twist. I really want to improve the quality of food I feed my family. To start this, I am going to start making certain things from scratch -which can be a great money saver.  But I am also switching to organic for some items and that can strain a budget.

I’m going through an adjustment period. I’m trying to figure out what is worth making from scratch and which organic items are worth the added expense.

My “From Scratch” items are sourdough bread & the starter, chicken & beef broth and yogurt. I’ve tried several other things, but these are the few I have done consistently for several weeks now.

My “Buy Organic” items are apples, potatoes, blueberries, kale, onions and celery.

I have started buying milk that is not homogenized and natural, free range chickens. These two items are significantly more expensive than the norm, but are worth the price to me.

There are a lot more things I want to try, but working full time makes this a long process.

Still, I think I get a check in the doing things “Right” column…

Different Paths

Is it every woman’s dream to raise kids along side her best friend?  Maybe not, but it sure was mine.

I pictured us with big round bellies, sharing the overwhelming joys of pregnancy and motherhood.

Wanderlust stole my dream.

Robin moved across the country for graduate school several years ago. Young, brave and determined, she packed her car and headed west.

Visits, phone calls and love held us together. I’m not good at long distance relationships of any kind and our lives were so different, still our friendship survived.

When I started my family, Robin was ending a relationship. When Robin decided to travel, I was moving into a new home and getting ready for baby #2. When my life seemed settled, Robin was falling in love.

I have always been right here. Robin has been to Oregon, California, Hawaii, New Zealand, Australia, France and heaven only knows where next.

And while I admire her courage, I can’t help but hurt over the dream I lost. I truly thought, somehow fate would bring us back together and we would watch our babies grow – together.

Fine Robins, do what you do.

Instead, I have Auntie Robin for my girls. The woman who has traveled the world and can share those experiences with Lovie and Tootsie. And I recognize the awesomeness in opening their eyes to the wonder of far away places.

So, things didn’t work out the way I thought they would. Clearly, I'm not in charge around here.

I cut myself some slack

There is no such thing as a perfect mother. I remind myself of this fact on the rare occasion I worry about the emotional damage I am inflicting on my girls.

I could make myself crazy thinking about all the stuff I do “wrong” as a parent. I think I did for a while. Now, I’m in a place where I know no one loves those girls like I do and I think I do enough “right” to make up for the rest.

Recently, I have been making some changes in the way we eat. (An attempt at the "right".)  I am trying to slowly improve the quality of what I feed my family. The my focus is giving them food that is nourishing and made from scratch as often as possible. My husband and I both like to cook, so that makes it less of a chore. But let me tell you, this whole project is a lot of work. We’re adjusting.

I believe we can eat all the things we love, we just need to find better ways to make them.

Have you ever had Zoppa Tuscana from Olive Garden?

I found a healthy recipe for this soup, and sweet mother -is it good! Hubs made it for dinner last night. We ate it with my homemade sourdough bread. 

Ha, who needs the Olive Garden? Not me!

This is one of the many recipes was have added to our meal planning folder. I'll let you know what others we consider successful.

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Demin

David Sedaris is one of my favorite authors. Hubs took me to see him “in concert” last night. Seriously, the dude is so funny!

We took the elevator to the second floor because Hubs is still on crutches from his hip replacement.  We step out of the elevator and there is David (yeah, we’re on a first name basis), sitting 2 feet away from me signing books.

Did I think to bring one of my books for him to sign? No, of course not.  Fortunatly for me, they were selling his books right there and that sweet guy I married bought one for me to get signed.

The show was great. Hubs said, “I like it when he cusses.” I like him because his writing shows me the ordinary world through the neurotic, slightly OCD eyes of this talented humorist.

I think he should come to our house for dinner. Surely, an evening with my family would inspire a new novel.

Here's a laugh for you...

My toddler, Lovie, farted, laughed and then patted her own bottom.

Who is this kid?